Could It Really Be This Simple?

Once when I was a preteen or teenager, I asked my mom if she was happy. We were in the car driving somewhere; I cant remember where. I remember asking her this question because I felt at that time that she didnt seem happy. To be clear, I wasnt thinking in terms of her overall life. I was thinking at that moment with me. Or maybe, I was thinking in terms of her being a mom to me and a wife to my dad. She didnt seem happy. Instead, Mom seemed preoccupied, maybe even stressed. She was a working mom with three daughters. She was married. She had bills. I couldnt understand or appreciate all the important and, alternatively, mindless responsibilities that clouded her daily life. It just seemed to me that she was unhappy. Do you know what she told me when I asked her that question? I will never forget it. She said (and Im going to paraphrase) "Am I happy? ((5 seconds contemplation))) No. I wouldnt say that I am happy. I dont think of myself as being happy or unhappy. If you asked me if I was content, I would tell you yes. I am content. But am I happy? That's a silly question."

Initially I was totally shocked and disturbed by her response. I wanted her to reply "yes." I wanted her to placate my fears by assuring me that even though her life was chaotic, she was happy and therefore happy with me, my sisters, my dad and our life together. In my mother's typical, pragmatic way she didnt do that. But you know, by the end of the day I was getting a grasp on what she meant. Little by little I became slowly reassured that her response of "content" vs. "happy" wasnt such a bad thing. Being content with one's life is a really GOOD thing.

I think about that conversation a lot now that Im an adult. Am I happy? Gosh, what a loaded question. Is anyone? Honestly, my life is complicated. Here is a snapshot of my life right this second:

My husband is making tea from a new teapot.
My sons are playing a computer game together. They are talking with each other and seemingly strategizing on their individual laptops. They are not arguing. They are getting along really well right now.
My dad's old records are playing on our new record player - a birthday gift from Matt.
All four McGarveys are occupying the same room as the music fills our house.
There are dishes in my sink.
There is laundry lining my hallway floor.
Dont even get me going on my bathroom - ewwwwwww!
My old computer wont stay on for more than 30 minutes without freezing up.
But I am currently writing on my new laptop, another birthday gift - this time from Mom.
Its raining outside.
Hopefully my car floors are drying out because I left my windows open last night and the rain soaked my car - inside and out.
Im drinking a Peace Tea that my husband brought back for me while running his errands.
Matt is sewing a hem on Seamus' new boy scout pants.
Our cat, Omalley, is sleeping on the couch.

Am I happy? Hell yes I am and honestly it surprises me! This is a nice moment for me and I hadnt even realized it until I started listing it out. But who knows what will happen in the next hour. In the next day? Who knows when our bank account will run dangerously low - causing strain on our minds and marriage. Who knows when the rain will begin to cause issues with our yard or our house. Who knows when Seamus will start yelling at his brother, or worse at me or Matt. This moment of happiness wont last very long - of that I am sure.

Where am I going with this? I dont know. But you know what, Im going to get off this computer and enjoy this moment.

Happy Saturday.

So Not Funny...

Saw this today on perezhilton.com and it made the hairs on my neck stick up.

While watching it a second time I yelled outloud "Sophia! Stop staring down the lion!" Sheesh.
Happy Wednesday.

Girl, Put Your Records On!

When my dad died, I inherited his old vinyl records. Id been saying for the past 20 years that upon Dad's death, I would take his albums. Its kind of weird to think of that now that he's gone. I hadnt expected to be in a position to receive them so soon. The day I brought his records home was difficult for me. I was missing Dad and somehow got in my head that having his records near would make me feel better. It worked. Having his hundreds of albums close has been comforting over these past few months.

For my birthday this year, Matt got me a portable turntable. Ive taken to discovering some of his more obscure records, but today we listened to Led Zeppelin II. Dude... what an amazing album that is! It felt good to see and hear that album spinning in my house. Matt was singing along to every song. He's a huge Zeppelin fan - knows all the songs. The kids were humming from time to time while reading on their kindles/ipads. It felt good; it felt right.

My sister, Jen, will not believe it but there wasnt a scratch on that album. Not one.

It was a Sunday miracle. :)

Goodbye 2011!

I have never been so happy to say goodbye to a year as I am in regards to 2011. My fortieth year has not been kind.

-My dad died. My godmother/aunt died.
Heavy, heavy stuff. Fact: my heart is not the same as it was last year. Im not sure it will ever be the same. However, the old adage is true: time is a healer. Each day has been a little easier and the further I get away from Dad's death, the more possible it seems to continue living without him. Sad I suppose, but true. While Im on the topic of death, I went to more funerals this year than I have in any other year of my life. Just off the top of my head, I can count 6 funerals I attended this year. Two thousand and eleven has been a life taker.

What else:
-my family (mom, dad, sisters - not the 4 mcgarveys) went though a lot of yucky, hurtful drama this year.
Im not going to get into too many details but there was a lot of adjusting this year. Our family dynamic changed in more ways than one and the change has not been easy. We lost a key member of our family and gained others. Growing pains. I played a major role in part of the drama and Im not particularly proud of it. It is what it is and believe it or not, some moments I treasure came about on account of the drama. Ive always thought that my family was pretty tight. I question that now. Im realizing more than ever these days that family relationships are much like romantic relationships: it takes honest communication, respect and trust. Contrary to many songs and movies, love is NOT enough. When the communication and trust are missing, the relationship doesnt work. Our family hasnt worked well this year and Im unclear if it will in the future.

-I got a job.
The job thing hasnt been that bad, actually, but it has been a life changer. Im happy to be the PE teacher at my kids' school, but its been a huge sucker of time. Computer time is very limited and Ive lost some core friends because of it. Family time has also been limited. I dont want to think of how many fast food dinners Ive provided my family. Too many. Im grateful, however, for a paycheck and I love my students. They are wonderfully bright, curious and kind. Still... my body aches and hurts at the end of each night. I should have gotten this job 10 years ago. Im not sure I can do this for another 10 years, but right now I can honestly say that I really enjoy my job very much. I get paid to play with kids. I cant complain.

- James
The pearl of this year: my new, baby nephew James. He has been the only true joy 2011 brought. We had to wait until the last month of the year to enjoy his presence, but he is here now and life is good.