I had a couple bad days this week. I know it sounds cliche, but the emotion seemed to materialize out of nothing. My grief caught me off guard and left me wondering when I can expect some peace about Dad being gone.
Friday was pretty hard. It felt flat from the very beginning. The day never gained any momentum. Work was fine and my students were great, but for some reason the day didnt seem to roll like most do. I didnt recognize it at the time but I felt numb, just going through the motions. Around 3:00pm I often get tired and Ive found that if I get an iced tea at Wendy's (which is right next door to the school) it will push me through after school volleyball practice and on until dinnertime. I was standing in Wendy's looking at the menu when I noticed the caramel shake I used to buy my dad after his chemo and hydration treatments. Out of nowhere it hit me like a monster wave - hot, heavy tears. I couldnt stop crying so I hustled back to my office, closed the door and broke down. My friend Erin walked in on me and when she asked what was wrong all I could muster was "I miss my dad." Erin lost her mom when she was 20 years old and she responded,"Yeah. That never goes away. I miss my mom too."
I had a big talk with Matt about what happened. Friday marked two weeks since Dad's death and Matt thinks its all still very new. I think he's right. Im realizing that Im going to spend the rest of my life missing Dad, but Im hoping that someday in the future it wont hurt so much to think of him.
PS. In regards to the title (lyrics from a Rolling Stones song) I did try to drink my dad off my mind last night. Saturday was my other bad day this week. It didnt work, but I was left with a killer hangover today. Not a good feeling. Im not going to try to drink Dad away ever again. If Im going to rid my heart of his ghost, its going to be through talking... not drinking.
