I had a couple bad days this week. I know it sounds cliche, but the emotion seemed to materialize out of nothing. My grief caught me off guard and left me wondering when I can expect some peace about Dad being gone.
Friday was pretty hard. It felt flat from the very beginning. The day never gained any momentum. Work was fine and my students were great, but for some reason the day didnt seem to roll like most do. I didnt recognize it at the time but I felt numb, just going through the motions. Around 3:00pm I often get tired and Ive found that if I get an iced tea at Wendy's (which is right next door to the school) it will push me through after school volleyball practice and on until dinnertime. I was standing in Wendy's looking at the menu when I noticed the caramel shake I used to buy my dad after his chemo and hydration treatments. Out of nowhere it hit me like a monster wave - hot, heavy tears. I couldnt stop crying so I hustled back to my office, closed the door and broke down. My friend Erin walked in on me and when she asked what was wrong all I could muster was "I miss my dad." Erin lost her mom when she was 20 years old and she responded,"Yeah. That never goes away. I miss my mom too."
I had a big talk with Matt about what happened. Friday marked two weeks since Dad's death and Matt thinks its all still very new. I think he's right. Im realizing that Im going to spend the rest of my life missing Dad, but Im hoping that someday in the future it wont hurt so much to think of him.
PS. In regards to the title (lyrics from a Rolling Stones song) I did try to drink my dad off my mind last night. Saturday was my other bad day this week. It didnt work, but I was left with a killer hangover today. Not a good feeling. Im not going to try to drink Dad away ever again. If Im going to rid my heart of his ghost, its going to be through talking... not drinking.
Lisa, I know you'll get tons of advice from all sorts of people. But if there's one thing I want to stress to you, it's this: Let go of all the expectations you have about how you should be feeling and when you should stop bursting into tears and all of that. It's a process and it's different for every person and there's no right or wrong to it. The best thing is just to let yourself feel the way you are feeling. Your dad died -- one of the most important persons in your life is gone, and that takes a lot of getting used to. It's a long process. My dad died 10 1/2 years ago, and I still break down in tears over it, at some of the weirdest, most random times. That's how this thing works. So be good to yourself, be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't go away but it does eventually get less painful. Don't wish away the ghost because at some point you will welcome it. It has been 31 yrs for me with my Mom...but sometimes it is like yesterday. ♥ and hugs to you Lisa...and like your friend Audrey said "be gentle" the drink just makes you feel like yuck the next day.
ReplyDeleteKaren
thinking of you every day, lisa.
ReplyDeletethis photo is so precious.