Photographs and Memories

Photo of Dad and Mom in San Francisco Bay.

One of the things Ive been grappling with lately is that I have taken very few pictures this year. Since the kids have been born, I have been obsessed with photographing my family. What happened this year? I think there are a few reasons. One, Ive kind of fallen out of love with my camera. My camera is not new. I dont know how old it is, but its an older digital camera model. The most obvious mechanical problem I see with it is that the photos arent as crisp as they used to be. I used to take pictures using auto program (just push the shutter and the camera does everything) and the photos were sooooo clear and sharp. That rarely happens now, even with my best lens. Ive also noticed that when Im taking pictures, it wont snap as quickly as it used to. I wouldnt say that there is a delay, but if Im taking lots of pictures in one setting, the camera will stammer and stop enough for me to be totally annoyed. These mechanical issues (and a few others I havent mentioned) have prompted me to slow down dramatically in taking pictures - even during holiday and family events. I am normally a fairly patient person (a trait I inherited from my dad), but the camera drama has become a serious pet peeve of mine. I dont like feeling and acting like a stubborn old man, so Ive avoided using my camera whenever I can.

Another reason I havent taken many pictures in the past couple years is that I miss being a part of the action. When you are the photographer in your family, you often find yourself on the outside looking in. I have always felt this way, but in the past when the kids were younger it didnt bother me as much. There have been countless trips to Joshua Tree or Palomar Mountain where Matt inferred to me that I leave the camera at home and instead just enjoy our time together. For the record, taking pictures never precluded me from enjoying our time together. It did, however, frequently interrupt the flow of whatever activity we were doing. I guess after 10+ years of being the family documentarian I wanted to be more present in the moment.

Lately, I have been struggling with all these excuses. With my dad so sick, I have felt so haunted by all the photos I COULD HAVE taken, but didnt. This past Easter and July 4th I took a total of 35 pictures. That number includes photos of both holidays. What was I thinking? Where was my head? Why didnt I take photos of all of us together? For that matter, why didnt I snag more pictures of him alone? Why didnt I make that time?

A couple nights ago I was explaining this inner conflict to Matt through agonizing tears. Its funny the stuff that can get me crying these days - enough for its on blog post Im sure! Matt told me that even if I havent taken many pictures this year (or last, or the year before last) I still had dozens of pictures of my dad. That fact calmed me for a moment, because Matt is right. Life has not passed me by unnoticed, even if the past few months feel that way. I have a good 10 years of pictures that document pretty much everyday of my life. My dad is in many of them and for that Im grateful. I have a feeling that those images are going to be of great comfort in the coming weeks, months and years.