Running On Empty

This week has been a killer. To say I need a break is an understatement. I am physically, emotionally and mentally spent. Its Thursday and Im feeling semi - numb; kind of checked out. Im still moving and going through the motions of our daily life, but Im emotionally and mentally shut down.

Ive been running this week. Running to parent/teacher conferneces (oh joy!); running to speech; running to soccer practice; running to school - drop off, pick up; running to volunteer; running to the grocery store; running to the pharmacy; running to Weight Watchers; running to football practice. Running. Running. Running.

The running has been leaving me exhausted by the end of the day. Im thinking that day light savings is playing a role in my fatigue too. It seriously pains me when the days get shorter and its dark by 5pm. I feel like my life is being shut into a box without my consent. I dont like it. By 9pm each night I literally cant keep my eyes open. As I read to the boys at night, I have to fight from falling asleep. Once they're in bed my body reclines, my head hits the pillow and Im out. But instead of sleep, my brain goes running. Phooey! My dreams are about the stuff thats bothering me right now. I wake up a few times at night and have a hard time going back to sleep. When morning comes, I wake up sad and frustrated and tired. Even in sleep, the break eludes me. Such is life this week.

I was thinking today about when Matt and I came home from Italy. We spent 16 glorious days traveling to Rome and Florence and Tuscany and Venice. Prior to the trip, I hadnt spent more than one full weekend away from the kids. Going to Italy in 2007 was the first time since becoming the mother of two that I personally got an extended break. The boys were not with us - they stayed at home with Dama Shan. Being in Italy was like being in a different world. I barely thought about my real life - the boys, my house, my responsibilities as a wife and mother. Instead, Matt and I soaked up every second we could in that warm, beautiful country. We jumped right in. The culture. The art. The history. The beauty. We immersed ourselves in it for 16 days. When we came home to Vista we were ready. We were rested and recharged. I could have spent more time in Italy, but I was ready to be home with my kids. I wanted them. I wanted our life together - the good, the bad and the ugly. There was a mixture of gratitude and excitement and dedication and celebration in coming home to my young sons. It suprised me. That feeling stayed with me for weeks. Traveling to Italy with Matt was an unforgettable experience. I will remember it my entire life. But coming home with a yearning to be Seamus and Finn's mama was a joyous feeling I did not anticipate. It was like a gift on top of a gift.

I dont deserve a break like I did in 2007. My kids are 11 and 8. Pretty soon they will be grown and all this talk will make me feel selfish, self absorbed and foolish. In 10 years I will look back at myself and think "What a stupid little girl I was. I didnt know how good I had it. Someone should have knocked some sense into me." I should appreciate my busy little life, right? I should enjoy my boys while they're young - enjoy all that comes with being a stay at home mom. I am very lucky. I am keenly aware of it. I am very lucky.

Its just nice to take some time to recharge. Im beginnign to think its necessary - not a luxury. Im not the best at making time for myself, but I will soon. Its got to be done - for me and for my family.

And speaking of my family, look at this picture I found this week. Its over a year old, taken by my good friend Tara Whitney. I swear, I love my life when I see it through her lens.

Oh...and that image at the beginning of this post is from a line of cards at WalMart. HOw perfect to illustrate my life right now.

Happy Thursday.